today's mantra

"i need you to be the strength of widows and soul survivors
i need you to be as fearless as new mothers and new fathers
i need you to be the hope of hearts who lost true love
i need you to be the might of their first kiss
i need a purpose and i need a reason
i need to know that there is trophy and meaning
to all that we lose and all we fight for
to all our loves and our wars
keep breathing
keep living
keep searching
keep pushing on
keep bleeding
keep healing
keep fading
keep shining on
this is for the hearts still beating"
- "last light," converge

"it's time to live today... incarnation!"

no wonder things have been off.

my watch hands had moved to 10:10... had to reset to 10:13.

it's go time.

more home dreams

1. i am working for the new razorfish. except, not like in my real life, like this is a new version, but jeff and evan and karen are there. and jon. we have our offices in an airplane hangar-like structure. soon, we start hiring new employees by the boatload. it is getting really crowded, and there are lots of new faces, some of whom i wouldn't peg as real fits. we begin to develop and buildout the space, and at times it alternates between disney-like indoor villages and department store-like areas with clothing and big screen televisions. i attend a meeting near a rack of clothes, on a couch in front of a fireplace over which hangs a flat screen. a baseball game is on the television. someone's parents are there in the "office." the dream morphs into some kind of documentary about jeff and craig, but they aren't jeff and craig. craig wears goggles and an antique motorcycle or bomber jacket and scarf. the dream ends with an aerial shot of craig eluding police on his motorcycle on a mountain road, speeding towards razorfish II headquarters.
2. i am snowboarding with the bond peeps. jeff is there. he is snowboarding in a suit and holding a briefcase. he pulls some sweet backside airs and i am impressed that he can do this while holding a briefcase. josh is a bit behind us. i am trying new tricks, but landing awkwardly. at some point, the snow turns brown, and we are now sliding down some kind of slope, and we are all part of some gameshow thing, like running man. at the bottom of the slope is an obstacle course that we have to navigate while avoiding a feral cat. i slip, and the cat catches up to me and begins attacking me, digging into my arm with its claws and biting my hand. i am nervous because part of the game show is that the cat is infected with some kind of deadly disease.
3. this dream changes, and now this same disease is going to be used in some kind of terrorist plot. i am racing down the highway with my dad (i think), because we are somehow aware that the government has intercepted the terrorists before they could deliver this attack, detained them, quarantined their crude weapons, but are planning on unleashing it on the public anyway in order to blame a foreign power, much like operation northwoods or 9/11. the disease is in some missiles that are stored in huge yellow container crates. i think that's where i am racing with my dad.
4. i am playing a baseball game for the red sox against the yankees. the "field" is more like a kickball court inside a gymnasium, but it is unmistakably yakees-sox. arod and jeter are on the other side, and terry francona is my manager. we are ahead, barely, in the late innings, but the yankees begin mounting a comeback. francona yanks many regulars off the field, including j.d. drew, and begins to lead his b-squad in some kind of motivational song that sounds like it is from a broadway musical. i am embarrassed momentarily, but have been instructed to remain on the field. soon i am joined by teammates, many of them women. i think jeter hits a smash to the shortstop side of second base, i dive and make the catch, along with an african man who reach over head to also try to catch the ball. sox win.

"its the end of a fucked up year..."

"oh weak foundations
that we've laid
melt with the years
you are nothing"
- "end of a year (words are not enough)," embrace



i've wasted a year of this heart.

it dies today.

awesome graffitti

gallery graffitti

home dreams

1. i seem to be both watching and starring in a documentary about my family. i think that my parents have passed on. the movie is showing a panorama of an apartment building in greenpoint and discussing how my parents were able to finally purchase this building to leave to me and my brother. at some point i am now walking down a street near the building, but it is now east boston. i am walking behind a woman who is an amalgam of my nonnie and my granny. she is walking with a dog and a young version of me. she takes the young me to a barber shop and i follow them in. i become overwhelmingly nostalgic, desperately missing my family and my youth and i wake myself up crying.
2. i am moving into a loft apartment with heath ledger and his girlfriend. it seems like they are moving in with me, as i am showing them around. the loft is huge, but dark, the windows and ceiling covered with curtains. heath and i discuss where to move these long planks of wood and how to arrange furniture.
3. the dream morphs into some kind of action movie scene and a pulp fiction-style gunfight erupts between various men in suits and thugs. i am involved somehow, but seem impervious. i think they are shooting lasers?
4. this dream further morphs into a new apartment dream, i am living on my own, again in greenpoint. in a run-down but spacious fixer-upper with a large backyard. i am happy to have moved in, but soon realize that it is infested with these bugs that come out of the wall near the ceiling, proceed along the rafter, then rain down into the apartment and turn into metal splinters. they hurt when they strike and i am super grossed out. soon a parade of mice begin the same route, but instead of raining down, they escape through a hole into the backyard. jessica alba appears, dressed kind of like the crow - apparently she can communicate with the mice. she tells me they do not wish to stay or wish me harm, but that i need to begin fixing the apartment before they will leave. we share a moment and she leaves. now these large cartoon-like animal things start coming out. they have huge snouts, are dressed in people clothes, and jump down from the rafters and go out the front door. i think the last one wears a bowtie.
5. i can hear a new bouncing souls song called "bridge and tunnel" about the virtues of bridge and tunnel commuters. evidently the souls no longer live in new jersey.